MORNING AFTER MY PITY PARTY

Today is a good day! 

It's a good day because I chose to trust God.  Bless the Lord!  He is so gracious and patient.

I can't  help but sometimes wonder how He keeps patience with me. I imagine God is constantly amused with my wonderings - and tantrums - most of which can be more like torture! 

Even I cringe whenever I look back on many of my self inflicted  moments of despair - heaven help me! 

This has been a vicious cycle because I always know I'm coming right back to full circle - back home. Back to my Father's arms. 

Oh I throw a great party! 

Pity party, Praise and Worship party and I've been told a great Dinner party planner! 

Of course when I'm in the depths of throwing one of my pity parties - its not always easy.

I feel sorry for myself, many a tear has been shed during such dark times.  It feels like I'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. When this heaviness is upon me  - I convince myself that no one else is as bad as me.

And some of the actions taken at such times - I only have one word  for them - irrational!

Like the most recent one when I just could not stand being on  FaceBook anymore.

I felt like my life was lacking what everyone else has ; the gorgeous wedding, the wonderful supportive husband, the gorgeous babies...oh the list goes on! The devil is a liar because FB has been a place where I have also been greatly ministered to through TGOG4LIFE

But when I choose to have my Praise party on - I tell you, the devil and his demons know how not to come anywhere near me because I seriously kick some butt!

 I love that place of worship and praise and vow time and time again   never to be caught up in one of those awful pity parties.

I feel disgusted at my weakness, my faithlessness at such times. When I'm in that holy place of constant relationship with the Trinity, I ask myself why I had ever sacrificed this special place for one of dark despair!

But alas!  My focus is often drawn away from Jesus and I focus instead on whatever  'issue' is in my life at that moment! 

I'm here to attest that my God, our God is good! isn't He good?

He is a merciful, gracious and patient Father who knows His daughter is just throwing another tantrum. 

And as sure as the sun rises I will be right back where I belong.

But I'm here to also say to you my darling Sister - I have a choice. You have a choice. A choice to choose to trust in God's promises.

I've learnt the importance of making that conscious decision to choose to trust in God and His promises for me every single morning.

The bible says He will never leave me nor forsake me. Why should I choose to feel forsaken?  I'm the one who chooses to be parted from Him. And thank God for his steadfast love which is new with the rising of the sun each day!

My bible tells me that He only has the best plans for me - plans to prosper me and not to harm me! Now I choose to remember His promises for me.

However - this was not the case a couple of months ago. 

I turned 39 in April and instead of celebrating my 39th birthday I found myself wallowing in self pity and even slight panic.

I was going to be 40 next year!! The pressure from society, unspoken but tangible. A cousin of mine even expressed such disappointment when she learnt that a recent relationship had not worked out! Her words were "....oh dear, you know you're running out of time!''  So, unmarried, without even a prospect of a date - actually I have just been let 'go' rather abruptly by a great guy whom I thought God had finally connected me with.  

I  was already preoccupied with something that was exactly a year away!  Instead of celebrating a long and healthy life, I chose to sink into self pity.  I stopped counting my blessings. The worst thing we can do is disqualify all that the Lord has done on our lives. I'm blessed whichever way I turned. I have wonderful friends and family who support me all the way. I have a job, a roof over my head, I have been blessed to wake up each morning since my birthday in April. I am free from sickness and disease. Indeed I  live a wonderful life!  

But this looming issue was seriously playing havoc with my trust in whom I call God, Jehovah jirah!  Jehovah El sheddai!  Jehovah Nissi! It was not the lack of faith, that I've always had,   always believed God can meet my needs, what I was lacking was the complete  and utter surrender of trust in God; that He has my back no matter what! Surely this is where I should be as a child of God. Even though I can not see my future, he has me sorted. Afterall, dosen't the bible say "He who has began a good work, shall surely complete it?

I knew that I had to choose how I was going to live my life. Why was I allowing fear to control what it can't! Allowing myself to feel dejected when I know my Father in heaven  has only the best plans for me. Why was I worrying when I know that worry and anxiety will not yield a result the next morning?

I choose to live life for today, trusting in God completely!  I choose to be filled with the joy of the Lord! I choose to cling on to the hope that I have in Christ Jesus. 

Every moment for us as children of God should be a God moment.  

Jesus came so you and I can have a life filled with abundance! And I doubt abundance means that I have to wait until I'm  blessed with a husband before I have that abundant life? I want to be victorious now! 

To live my purpose driven life today and not wait until a 'void' has been filled.  

I have learnt over these very ' many' years that He is God .....I listen out to the still small voice that says.... Be still and know that I am God! Or the one that says the joy of the Lord is my strength! Or the one that's says we are overcomes in Christ Jesus